Shalee’s Diner

For a quite some time, I haven’t been fully the me I really love.

This girl

The one who is normally

• confident in who I am and glad that I’m me.
• exceedingly happy and awed over the littlest things.
• a woman who speaks her mind.
• laughing at myself openly and joining in the mirth of others.
• light-hearted and carefree.
• so full of life and joy.
• passionate – about life, books, music, people, food, love.
• incredibly hopeful that someday I, without a doubt, will feel full love and acceptance.
• makes the best out of what is given.
• attentive, compassionate and listening to the needs of others.
• energetic and ready to go, be it trying new things or repeating loved activities.
• looking for ways to share love and acceptance with others so that they can feel the same joy for life that I do.
• concerned about hearts.
• a fire that draws others near to warm themselves in my glow.

However, there have been times when I’ve letted this heart, free of charge even, to someone who

• second-guesses the most minute decisions – at home, at work, by myself, with others.
• questions compliments as being real.
• withholds thoughts for fear of how I will be misjudged yet again by others.
• is emotional and weepy.
• sometimes feels like a ship without a course, lost in the midst of a white squall.
• hard-hearted and not quick to forgive.
• makes me wonders if I still have what it takes to take a running leap and fly into the unknown.
• is pretty angry with God.
• makes me sad and disappointed in myself because I do not like this other girl who is trying to purchase property, build a house and reside in me.

Over the years of living with this other tenant, I’ve become so weighted with worries, uncertainties, fears, regrets.  These disappointments have occasionally reduced my once-brilliant fire to embers and, though others may still be warmed in some of my glow, they do not see my full flame that used to burn so bright.

Sometimes, it’s not even enough to take the chill off me.

I feel like a shell of the person I once was, less weighty, less substantial.  I may be small, but I’ve often thought of myself as strong, anchored and not easily broken by the winds of turmoil or contrition.  Now sometimes I just feel small and insignificant in the eyes of others and myself.

Sharing space with a diminutive, self-doubting, coward is such a chore!  I get zero return for rooming with this life-sucking lodger.  To be quite honest, she’s quite lazy and messy, and I’m tired of cleaning up after her.

You know what though?  I miss living by myself, when it was just me.

I neither need nor want this flat mate.  There’s simply not room enough for the two of us in this body.  Hey, being petite has its perks!

So starting today, despite the worries, uncertainties, disappointments and regrets that are still present, I choose to evict that unwanted tenant, scraping away the grime of self-doubt and sadness she’s left behind and excavating deep within to uncover the real me and to allow that Shalee, and that Shalee alone, to hang her hat here.  It’s time to renovate my heart, and I’m starting with these “home improvements.”

I choose to be confident.  

I choose to be bold.

I choose to be passionate.  

I choose to be daring.  

I choose to live vibrantly and with exuberant bliss.  

I choose to love myself  and others without fear.  (If I’m loved in return, yay for me!  If not, well then, someone is missing out.)

Sometimes life reeks, and no matter how much I want to go back through my history and change things or make different decisions, I can’t rewrite my past.

But I can change my future.

And I control to whom I issue the invitation to come into my heart.

Suddenly, there’s a lot more room for those on the list.

Ugh!  That girl was a pack rat!  Good riddance to her, and pass me the broom.  I’ve got a lot of cleaning up to do…